Before my husband died I had very little belief in anything afterlife. I thought anything beyond our physical world was “woo, woo,” and wishful thinking. In hindsight this was more of an intellectual idea rather than based on fact or research. I just took it for granted and assumed that when the physical body dies, the light goes out forever. The end of the road.
On the other hand, my late husband Glenn was a true-blue believer that we go on after our body dies. He would often say, “I know there is something bigger, better and it’s all about love.”
The last time Glenn said that to me was our last night together as we knew it. We were having one of our many late-night conversations in bed when out of the blue I said, “What would you do if when you die you wake up on a cloud waiting in line for your robe and harp?” Instead of laughing like most people would do, he grabbed my hand looked at me in the eyes and said, “You will be okay.” Less than a week later I was a widow.
Once Glenn was gone, I didn’t like the idea that his light was gone. Glenn was a shining light of grace, joy and kindness so I decided that I would see if I could connect with him somehow, whatever that meant. Because I was a non-believer, I assumed connecting with my late husband would be the most difficult of all, impossible. Wrong!
Then the dreams came where Glenn explained why he died so suddenly. This led me to meditation to see if I could connect with him in my waking state. I started practicing short-guided meditations that I found on YouTube. I had practiced meditation 15 years before. I went through a phase where I meditated 2x per day using a strict westernized Hindu technique. Although I found it a relaxing practice, I was never able to truly settle and clear my thoughts so it was always a struggle and after a while I gave it up.
So, when I started meditating again, I was surprised to find that unlike my past experiences where I would sit restless without much enlightenment, I was able to immediately relax and enter the “zone.” Another strange thing happened to me is that when I would close my eyes to meditate, I would often see Glenn in my mind’s eye, almost immediately. He would just be there, as if he had been waiting for me. He often looked younger, mid 20’s, smiling at me with that look of love he always had. He never said a word but I started to get messages from him. It was as if he was talking to my heart. It would be a sudden “knowing.” Many such occasions we would have two-way conversations in my heart. It was so easy to do.
I didn’t fight this, nor did it scare me. It was very natural, actually and I accepted these connections without a hesitation. The more I wanted to connect with Glenn, the more I did. It wasn’t forced, just a natural flow of energy.
In hindsight the connection with Glenn was always there. He sent me a sign in the hospital while still in coma that he lived on. I write more about this in my forthcoming memoir, “Finding Glenn.” In short, the day I received the terrible news that there was no hope for his survival a mysterious package of cookies from his favorite childhood bakery (3,000 miles away), showed up on his nightstand without any explanation as to how they got there. The night he died and I returned home to our home, I felt his presence so strongly as if he was just in the next room. This feeling lasted for two years. I found myself rushing home after work just to feel him and be in the home we shared together.
I’ve thought about these moments many times over the past seven years. I’ve had many more connections with Glenn. They continue to this day and I can only assume they will always be until we are reunited someday. What that means, exactly I do not know. But what I do know, is like Glenn’s belief, “I know there is something bigger, better and it connects us all and it’s all about love.”
-Rachel
