Imperfectly Perfect

afterlife, career, goals, Holidays
My late husband was kind, he would give a stranger the shirt off his back. I’ll never forget our first date when he made a quick pit stop after picking me up to give his only VCR to a friend who didn’t have one. What I remember the most about that moment was the sincere look of joy on his face as he got back in the car after giving away his precious possession. He took me on many lavish dates that I know he couldn’t afford. He had a short fuse and struggled with addiction before I met him. He had a big heart and knew how to love deeply and each morning would say, “today is going to be a good day.” He was imperfectly perfect. Growing up…
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The Holidays and Grief

afterlife, Holidays, Hope
How is your grief during the holidays?  Does it bring up your pain so you avoid, or do you throw yourself into it and fake it to make it? I’m not exactly sure it’s either or. The first holiday season after my husband died, I was mostly a zombie with moments of reality thrown in. The body gives us a gift during times of duress, it’s called shock. Death shock usually starts to wear off between 6-12 months after a loss. I was at month 8 that year and still very fragile. I don’t recall much that first holiday season. I do remember putting up a small tree. I had bought an electric pink Christmas tree the year before so after Thanksgiving that year I ventured into the garage to…
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Collateral Beauty

afterlife, Holidays, Love, Memories
A couple short months after my husband’s sudden death I found myself in an email exchange with a Sandy Hook mother. Her 6-year-old son was shot multiple times and killed by a mentally ill teenager in late 2012, it was a horrific tragedy that made international news. I knew my pain and couldn’t even imagine how she dealt with hers. Yet, she said something to me that I’ll never forget. “Have you heard of Post Traumatic Growth,” she said? “It’s called PTSG and it’s a strange phenomenon that happens after tragic loss, your heart grows and you begin to feel love for your fellow man for no reason at all, no reason at all.” At the time I couldn’t imagine this yet, I really heard her words and told her…
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Anniversary Time Again…

afterlife, Holidays, Love, Memories, Widow
Fall is anniversary time for me. October 21 was my late husband’s birthday and November 3 our wedding anniversary. I’ll never forget the first Fall after my husband’s passing. He died in the Spring so by the time his birthday came around that first year it’d been 7 months since I was suddenly widowed. He would have been 58 but only made it to 57. I woke up early that day and feeling like a zombie, I walked to the end of the pier where we often visited and left a bouquet of birthday balloons and roses. I didn’t mind if someone took them. I actually hoped someone did. I imagined a down and out person taking a walk at the beach to quietly celebrate their birthday only to find…
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Is Time a Trick?

afterlife, Time
Have you ever noticed how when you’re enjoying what you’re doing and focused that time tends to speed up? Conversely, when you’re bored, time seems to drag? P.M.H Atwater wrote a book entitled, “Future Memories.” Time is a trick and can be bent one way or the other. She says that "some claim time absolute; others have said the future could be altered if people were willing to change certain attitudes and behaviors.” She recounts the following story in her book.  "I was doing the morning dishes when this rush of energy nearly lifted my head off. I suddenly experienced myself at a dinner party that night, saw who would be there, and took part in what happened and what was said. The whole thing was so real, I decided…
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I Used to Think my Loss was the ONLY Loss in the World

afterlife, Love, Memories, Post Traumatic Growth, Widow
After my husband died, I felt like my loss was the only loss in the world. The pain of losing the love of my life was enormous, all encompassing. And, because it was sudden and unexpected, this only added to my mountain of grief. I also was the only one in my immediate family or peer group who had lost a loved out of the order of things. My loss stood out. Glenn was in the prime of life, he wasn’t sick and lived each day with a zest for life like no other. Then on a typical Saturday morning in 2013 he suffered a fatal brain bleed out of the blue while I was out doing errands. The first few months after this I was numb. Then I cried…
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What you CAN Control

Gardening, goals, Hope, living in the moment, Love, Memories, Widow
I’ve started a vegetable garden during the pandemic. My little garden is located in a local park less than a mile from my home. I often bring my dog, Hannah with me when I go there, which is often. She enjoys chasing the butterflies while I tend to my plot. We are usually the only ones there. It’s peaceful and I feel good when I’m there. My daily worries melt away as I tend to my vegetables and flowers. When my late husband and I first met I had a garden in a community plot like the one I do now but much larger. In that case I was on a waiting list for going on 5 years. My name came up about a month before I met my late…
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Sunday Morning

afterlife, Fathers, living in the moment, Love, Memories, Uncategorized, Widow
My late husband taught me to enjoy Sunday mornings and his mother taught me the art of lounging before rushing off to start the day. Before I met my late husband, I don’t ever recall staying in bed even for a short period of time before jumping up and out each morning. I don’t know what I was always in such a rush to do, especially on Sunday mornings. Glenn changed this for me, forever. Early on in our romance Glenn would run out on Sunday mornings to buy the New York Times. He would always tell me to stay in bed until he returned. Within 20 minutes he would be back with a fresh cup of coffee from my favorite place and oftentimes with red roses in hand. He’d…
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Do You Believe in Life After Death?

afterlife, Dreams
Do you believe in life after death? I used to be a non-believer in anything afterlife. This of course was before the love of my life died suddenly. When my late husband was alive and well it was easy for me to be what I now refer to as an “intellectual atheist.” And then when he was suddenly gone, this didn’t feel right to me. The thought that his light went out forever was not something that I was prepared to accept so I started searching for answers. They say that there are two big questions for mankind: Are we alone? Is there life after death? I’ve written a lot about the life after death stuff. Check out some of my blog pages about the afterlife and you can read…
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Slow Leaks

career, goals, Hope, living in the moment, Love, Post Traumatic Growth, Uncategorized, Widow
Have you questioned your self-esteem since your loss? I have. I’ve recently gone through some things that has made me question myself. This is unlike me. I don’t know if it’s all this COVID and all that brings, could be a part of it. I’ve certainly seen my fair share of whacky behavior over the past few months. I’m sure that you have too. Regardless of the cause, I don’t like it. No one wants to feel any unease. We are sensitive beings so we naturally absorb what’s going on around us, whether huge and sweeping like a worldwide pandemic or subtle. It’s easy to quickly get caught up and react to negative situations, feelings and energies. I know that I have fallen victim to this trap. Something happens, I feel…
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