Imperfectly Perfect

afterlife, career, goals, Holidays
My late husband was kind, he would give a stranger the shirt off his back. I’ll never forget our first date when he made a quick pit stop after picking me up to give his only VCR to a friend who didn’t have one. What I remember the most about that moment was the sincere look of joy on his face as he got back in the car after giving away his precious possession. He took me on many lavish dates that I know he couldn’t afford. He had a short fuse and struggled with addiction before I met him. He had a big heart and knew how to love deeply and each morning would say, “today is going to be a good day.” He was imperfectly perfect. Growing up…
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The Holidays and Grief

afterlife, Holidays, Hope
How is your grief during the holidays?  Does it bring up your pain so you avoid, or do you throw yourself into it and fake it to make it? I’m not exactly sure it’s either or. The first holiday season after my husband died, I was mostly a zombie with moments of reality thrown in. The body gives us a gift during times of duress, it’s called shock. Death shock usually starts to wear off between 6-12 months after a loss. I was at month 8 that year and still very fragile. I don’t recall much that first holiday season. I do remember putting up a small tree. I had bought an electric pink Christmas tree the year before so after Thanksgiving that year I ventured into the garage to…
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Collateral Beauty

afterlife, Holidays, Love, Memories
A couple short months after my husband’s sudden death I found myself in an email exchange with a Sandy Hook mother. Her 6-year-old son was shot multiple times and killed by a mentally ill teenager in late 2012, it was a horrific tragedy that made international news. I knew my pain and couldn’t even imagine how she dealt with hers. Yet, she said something to me that I’ll never forget. “Have you heard of Post Traumatic Growth,” she said? “It’s called PTSG and it’s a strange phenomenon that happens after tragic loss, your heart grows and you begin to feel love for your fellow man for no reason at all, no reason at all.” At the time I couldn’t imagine this yet, I really heard her words and told her…
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Anniversary Time Again…

afterlife, Holidays, Love, Memories, Widow
Fall is anniversary time for me. October 21 was my late husband’s birthday and November 3 our wedding anniversary. I’ll never forget the first Fall after my husband’s passing. He died in the Spring so by the time his birthday came around that first year it’d been 7 months since I was suddenly widowed. He would have been 58 but only made it to 57. I woke up early that day and feeling like a zombie, I walked to the end of the pier where we often visited and left a bouquet of birthday balloons and roses. I didn’t mind if someone took them. I actually hoped someone did. I imagined a down and out person taking a walk at the beach to quietly celebrate their birthday only to find…
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Happy Fathers Day

afterlife, Dreams, Father's Day, Fathers, Holidays
My father was my first love. I was his favorite child. Although he loved and adored all of his children, it was obvious to me early on that I was his little mini me. He had a zest for life that I fell in love with. My dad was an adventurous man. He loved exploring. On the weekends he would seek out fun things to do. Nature hikes, art museums, concerts in the park and festivals of all kinds were typical weekend outings. He would invite the whole family to go and for whatever reason, I was usually the only one interested. We went fishing a lot. So, when my father proclaimed one night at the family dinner table that he was going to start taking one child per month…
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The “Official,” “Unofficial,” Start of Summer

Holidays, living in the moment, Love, Memories
Memorial Day weekend has always been considered the unofficial start of summer in the states. I have many fond memories as a child of anticipating this holiday each year which meant we could go to the beach, have BBQs, sleep overs and vacations. School would be out soon, and the carefree days of summer would commence. Then when I met my late husband, he brought a whole new meaning to the holiday. Glenn was a beach guy. I knew this before meeting him because I would often to see him drive around town with a surfboard in the back of his truck. He took me to the beach on our first date and we spent each weekend there, Memorial Day through Labor Day for 14 summers. Glenn would pack up…
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Goodbye 2019, Welcome 2020

Holidays, Hope, Love, Memories, Widow
Wednesday we will not only be in a new year but also a new decade! I entered the last two decades with my late husband by my side and this time I will welcome the new year and decade without him. I’ll never forget our first New Years together. It was 1999 and everyone was into the Y2K scare. My late husband and I giggled at everyone lined up for bottled water that year even after the new decade had come and gone in other parts of the world without any feared glitches. We thought we had so much time together. We didn’t know what the future held for us but we had a strong bond of budding love at the time and both knew we were in it for…
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Facing Greif Helps, Even Though it Hurts!

Holidays, Memories, Widow
I was recently asked to be a contributing writer for an article about celebrating/commemorating our loved one’s birthdays who have passed. This of course immediately made me think of my own bereavement journey. I’ll never forget my late husband’s first birthday after he passed. It was at about the 6-month mark. The shock had worn off and I was in the midst of staring grief right in the face! It was torture, really.  No one prepares you for this. I honestly had silly fantasies about grief that were not reality based. I used to think that something good would happen to balance out all the bad and quickly learned that life doesn’t work this way. Instead, life just keeps moving forward without our loved ones in it. I did however…
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Holidays, Love, Memories, Widow
Tomorrow will be a holiday in the USA, Labor Day. It’s also the last unofficial weekend of summer. I remember the first Labor Day and last with my late husband, Glenn. The first Labor Day we were newbies. We had been dating about 6 weeks at that time. It was on Labor Day that I turned the corner with Glenn and knew he was worth keeping. Glenn had a friend who lived on the beach in Malibu and invited us to spend the day. Since this was private property dogs were allowed on the beach so my dog, Scout came along. The fact that Glenn included my dog was a big win in my eyes. I was really starting to like this guy, I thought as we headed north on…
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