The Holidays and Grief

afterlife, Holidays, Hope
How is your grief during the holidays?  Does it bring up your pain so you avoid, or do you throw yourself into it and fake it to make it? I’m not exactly sure it’s either or. The first holiday season after my husband died, I was mostly a zombie with moments of reality thrown in. The body gives us a gift during times of duress, it’s called shock. Death shock usually starts to wear off between 6-12 months after a loss. I was at month 8 that year and still very fragile. I don’t recall much that first holiday season. I do remember putting up a small tree. I had bought an electric pink Christmas tree the year before so after Thanksgiving that year I ventured into the garage to…
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What you CAN Control

Gardening, goals, Hope, living in the moment, Love, Memories, Widow
I’ve started a vegetable garden during the pandemic. My little garden is located in a local park less than a mile from my home. I often bring my dog, Hannah with me when I go there, which is often. She enjoys chasing the butterflies while I tend to my plot. We are usually the only ones there. It’s peaceful and I feel good when I’m there. My daily worries melt away as I tend to my vegetables and flowers. When my late husband and I first met I had a garden in a community plot like the one I do now but much larger. In that case I was on a waiting list for going on 5 years. My name came up about a month before I met my late…
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Slow Leaks

career, goals, Hope, living in the moment, Love, Post Traumatic Growth, Uncategorized, Widow
Have you questioned your self-esteem since your loss? I have. I’ve recently gone through some things that has made me question myself. This is unlike me. I don’t know if it’s all this COVID and all that brings, could be a part of it. I’ve certainly seen my fair share of whacky behavior over the past few months. I’m sure that you have too. Regardless of the cause, I don’t like it. No one wants to feel any unease. We are sensitive beings so we naturally absorb what’s going on around us, whether huge and sweeping like a worldwide pandemic or subtle. It’s easy to quickly get caught up and react to negative situations, feelings and energies. I know that I have fallen victim to this trap. Something happens, I feel…
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How Alone Time Helped Me Heal

afterlife, Hope, living in the moment, Love, Memories
I’ve always been a loner and have had the ability to keep myself occupied and happy without much. As a young child we lived in National Parks where I spent a lot of time in nature. Nature teaches you that you don’t need much to find the beauty because its right in front of you like a gift. I spent many lazy days in fields of wildflowers as a kid without a care in the world. I always felt looked after and safe. It was an innocent time. Then as I grew and we moved to cities and life took other turns, I lost much of that magic I’d found in simple things. Life became complex and busy and “tomorrow,” would be when the good times would arrive. Today was…
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How I Connected with my Late Husband

afterlife, Dreams, Hope, Love, Memories, Widow
Before my husband died I had very little belief in anything afterlife. I thought anything beyond our physical world was “woo, woo,” and wishful thinking. In hindsight this was more of an intellectual idea rather than based on fact or research. I just took it for granted and assumed that when the physical body dies, the light goes out forever. The end of the road. On the other hand, my late husband Glenn was a true-blue believer that we go on after our body dies. He would often say, “I know there is something bigger, better and it’s all about love.” The last time Glenn said that to me was our last night together as we knew it. We were having one of our many late-night conversations in bed when…
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Look for the Good

Hope, living in the moment
My grandmother always said, “look for the good because the bad always shows itself.” Grief is tough enough to deal with without adding more conflict. Secondary loss is real. I’ve known many who are bereaved who have experienced more than one loss in a year, some have had multiple losses all at once or over a short period of time. Others have lost income, friends, have experienced illness and so much more. Now, here we are, not only dealing with grief and all that brings, add COVID and all that brings, and now we have riots and all that brings. We may not be able to control many of these bad things that come in life. We also can’t control the behavior of others. But what we can do is…
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Boy Crazy: Happy Memories

Dreams, Hope, Love, Memories
I was boy crazy since I took a breath of life. I always seemed to have a crush on a boy. As long as I can remember I was always this way. When my classmates were playing hopscotch and Barbie’s at recess, I was busy chasing boys on the playground. My mother didn’t know what to do with me so she just ignored my boy obsession in hopes that I would grow out of it but I never did. My first childhood friend was a boy. His name was Peter and he lived in a big modern house down the road from us in San Francisco. In the summer before I started kindergarten we moved to Mill Valley, CA which was just outside of San Francisco. We hadn’t been there…
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Goals and Living in the Moment

career, goals, Hope, living in the moment, Widow
A lightbulb went off for me yesterday regarding my future. I woke up early and started the day by joining a 6am Zoom meditation group. Since I was up so early, I decided to continue with this early productivity and joined an online yoga class right after. I then took my dog for a long walk and stopped by my community garden plot and did some tending to my budding little project of growing urban veggies. As I walked back home, I felt a sense of belonging to myself. I sense of self-empowerment. Butterflies and chirping birds seemed to be everywhere and for a moment I forgot about this terrible virus and was living in the moment. Then something happened. I started getting a download of ideas for my future.…
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420 (Not THAT “420”…)

Hope, Love, Memories, Widow
Seven years ago tomorrow, April 20th was my late husband’s funeral. A day I never thought I would ever have to face and certainly not in 2013! Glenn Was only 57. Although he passed away suddenly on March 28th, I wanted his funeral to be held in the same location as our wedding and just as perfect, so we had to wait a few weeks for the venue to become available. Glenn and I got married in 2001, just after 9/11. We chose a beautiful sanctuary in the middle of a bustling and somewhat sketchy, Hollywood neighborhood. If you didn’t know about the place you wouldn’t even know its there. The tiny art deco temple/chapel is set amongst one acre of lush tropical plants and flowers. Stained glass windows adorn…
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Goodbye 2019, Welcome 2020

Holidays, Hope, Love, Memories, Widow
Wednesday we will not only be in a new year but also a new decade! I entered the last two decades with my late husband by my side and this time I will welcome the new year and decade without him. I’ll never forget our first New Years together. It was 1999 and everyone was into the Y2K scare. My late husband and I giggled at everyone lined up for bottled water that year even after the new decade had come and gone in other parts of the world without any feared glitches. We thought we had so much time together. We didn’t know what the future held for us but we had a strong bond of budding love at the time and both knew we were in it for…
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